Friday, March 21, 2008

Clear the air...

I've come to an interesting point in my life...
I graduate in May from GSU with a BA in Religious Studies,
I am going to be taking a teaching certification test in a week,
I am going to be buying a house this summer with my fiance,
getting married in September,
and hoping to find a stable, full-time job somewhere in the midst of all of that.

I am beginning to evaluate my life and what it has taken to get me here today, and I have come to the decision that I am done with all of the bull-shit and unsavory people in my life, and that, in general, I need to set out to clear the air of all the negative things... or at least try to get them further away. lol.

So, being that I am kicked off my mom's insurance in may when I graduate, I made doctor's appointments for check-ups, started going on walks, taking in the scenery, and thinking about my daily behavior and well-being. Then I evaluated my friends. I've deleted people that cause me pain from my viewsite (in the forms of my facebook and myspace accounts). It may seem silly, but as a major way that I keep in touch with people, there are some people with whom I no longer have a wish to keep in touch with, or have any concern over what they do. As a result, 3 people that used to be extremely important to me, have lost their connection with me, and will remain adrift, at the sake of their own mishaps. It's freeing to clear the air in that respect.

I had strone away from blogspot because it proved to be yet another site of connection between these people, but when I had to create a new account, I was discouraged. However, instead of leaving it to rest as a sole association with them, I am starting anew. It's still here to vent (to whoever happens to listen), and to develop thoughts, and put my own life into sorts in yet another venue.

I had just finished a book for my Contemporary Lit class that dealt with the idea of hope and escape, and the forms that those can take. I believe that this book helped me think about the ways in which I am continuously hoping, and "escaping".

For the longest time, I sought solice in my ability to dream up an ideal reality, with the hopes that one day, I would find my prince charming and live happily ever after. Now, I have found my prince charming, and I going to live happily ever after, but it is going to be in a real-life form and not a sortof fairytale. I was burned by a guy, my best friend, my parents, my job, and other circumstances, but :hope: was always there.

Now, I am less than 6 months away from getting married, and I can't wonder but how I happened to grow up so fast. I'm a "big girl now" and I suddenly have all of these adult responsibilities. And yes it is stressful, and yes I still cry sometimes, but the strength that I have found in myself and in my mom, and Gary, and others close to me, has allowed me to feel comfortable, confident, and stable. And that's the amazing feat of it all! I am allowing myself to grow as I clear the air, and in that, letting go of the past that hurt me so.

All in all, I'm ready!

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