Rainy day emotions...

I was talking to Tim on the way home and the conversation turned to the awkwardness of the first divorced holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be different when the traditions that I've had for the past 12 years are going to be different.

And part of me needs them to the different. 

I need the separation. I need the forward motion of separate lives.

But instead, I feel a little stuck in a state of perpetual motion.

Gary seems hesitant to define his relationship with Mandy and wants to continue as normal with buying Christmas gifts and putting up the tree.

And that's not sitting with me well. 

When all of this started last year, I had visions that this year I'd be sitting at home and Tim would be there to help with the Christmas tree and decorations. 

There would be happiness and joy and a little more certainty about our direction. 

But there have been complications and this year has been crazy.

I want to be happy and joyful for my kids.

I want to be able to create some magic for them.

I want to be able to visit family and not worry about how they will react to my divorce.

I want to be able to make plans without a fear of the unknown.

This all hit me on the way home today and by the end of my conversation with Tim, I was crying.

He asked me not to be sad and offered to listen whenever I need him.

🧡

Moments like this, I am so thankful for him.